WARNING: this post is another one of those posts that contains me being a bit self-indulgent.
There’s a shiny, magical, completely imaginary universe, which does not and cannot exist, despite continual referral from our universe. The word that refers to it is “ideal,” and also its relative “ideally.”
In the ideal world, there are no cockups, and there are no conspiracies. Everybody lives in harmony, harmony always in the ideal lands. Ideally, everything everybody says and does is perfect, jobs get done on time and budget, paperwork does itself, iPads are freely available for everybody that wants one, alien lifeforms find themselves, and the gravy train runs all night.
And we don’t live in that world. At least, I certainly haven’t been.Never has this been more evident to me than over the last month.
Where I really lose in the “ideal world” department is, on occasion, I say or write the most incredibly stupid and insensitive things. For added measure, I occaisionally cock up the apology too. Why? Maybe I’m trying to be funny and go way too far. Maybe somebody sticks a metaphoric needle into a sensitive area of my psyche and I retaliate. Maybe I just haven’t figured out humans yet. Maybe I don’t realise precisely who I’m talking to, or who will overhear, until it is too late.
Whatever the reason, it certainly is not the case that I consciously try to screw things up. Why on earth would I do that? Yet, I accept full responsibility for my actions. It is my fault.
And it’s quite possible that even if I figure out the how and why I cocked up in every instance, and apologise, there’s nothing more I can do about it.
After the most recent cockup, it was pointed out to me by a very good friend that I have been acting passive-aggressively, and that my latest fiasco may well have ended up with somebody wishing I don’t exist. With regards to passive-aggressivity, I had to look up the concept since I wasn’t sure what it meant. With regards to not existing, there’s sweet fuck-all I can do to not exist, and the situation has made me quite depressed.
Sorry maclab, I’m hiding from you guys recently because I’m afraid of stirring the crap up any further, and I’m attempting to not exist. (And I rationalise it further by reasoning that I can’t possibly get any work done over there.)
About passive-agressiveness: sadly this has kinda fitted me recently. I could be stepped on or dominated by a number of people, and the response is not to express my anger or fear directly, but instead as resistance served with a smile, coated with a thin veneer of (ill-)humour.
For example, I could be afraid that new faces in the crowd are very socially successful, and that I am becoming irrelevant. Why not give them an “endearing” nickname that is actually mildly offensive? (Said person was in a subset of people that already had a well-accepted stupid nickname, so that was a cock-up on two counts.) I should have been standing up for them instead of putting them down.
My very good friend also reminded me of one thing that I’ve now been concentrating on very hard: “It doesn’t have to be that way.”
I don’t want to be a massive jerk or a passive-aggressive brick sticking out of the wall, or depressed and locked down by fears. Is it just as simple as being something else? I hope so. I hope so so much that I’m declaring the answer is YES.
I’ll be trustworthy, and happy and energetic and full of hope. I’ll stand up for people and listen to them and be a good friend for them and make them a coffee and assist them in their dealing with their problems and tell them I’m here. I’ll focus and get the job done. And I’ll keep the gravy train coming all night if I have to.
This is where I stop talking about it and hit the Publish button.
Harmony harmony always,